72% of 647 children aged 9–17 participating in previous Khulisa Social Solutions research mainly in Alexandra, Gauteng,  reported that they had witnessed crime in their communities. But statistics tell only part of the story. Through Khulisa’s diagnostic Dialogue Circles, children and young people are now telling us what it actually feels like to grow up within environments shaped by fear, peer pressure, bullying, social media, expectations around gender, the need to belong and, sometimes, the feeling that adults do not listen. 

Recent Dialogue Circles with girls and boys in Alexandra have provided a particularly revealing window into these lived experiences. 

 Girls spoke about bullying, gossip, jealousy, body shaming, social-media pressure and the fear of being excluded. They understood the importance of personal boundaries and the right to say no, but described something far more complicated: sometimes standing up for yourself can mean losing friends, being judged or becoming the subject of gossip. 

They also raised an issue that should concern every parent, teacher and organisation working with children: some girls felt that adults do not always take their concerns seriously. When a child expects to be disbelieved, blamed or dismissed, silence can become the safer option. 

 The boys described a different but connected reality.

They spoke about the expectations placed on boys to be strong, to fit in, to hide vulnerability and to conform to particular ideas of masculinity. Family, friends, culture and social media were all identified as powerful influences on how boys believe they are expected to behave. 

Yet the boys also challenged some of these assumptions themselves. They rejected the idea that genuine respect comes from fear, money, popularity or physical strength, instead associating respect with character, ethics and the way people treat one another.  

Taken together, the voices of the girls and boys reveal something important. 

Children often already know what adults tell them they should do. They know they should say no. They know bullying is wrong. They know they should resist negative peer pressure and ask for help. 

The deeper issue is whether the environment around them makes it possible to do so.  

“A child may know the right decision but still face an enormous social cost for making it,” said Lesley Ann van Selm, Founder and Managing Director of Khulisa Social Solutions.

“A girl may know that she has the right to set a boundary but fear losing her friends. A boy may know that he needs help but fears being regarded as weak. If we only give children information without understanding the world in which they are trying to apply it, we are missing the point.” 

This is why Khulisa increasingly uses diagnostic lived-experience Dialogue Circles before determining what intervention is required.  

The purpose is not simply to ask children what they need. It is to understand what they are experiencing, what is influencing their behaviour, why particular problems continue, where relationships or support systems are failing, what protective resources already exist and where earlier intervention may be possible. 

The Alexandra dialogues showed that belonging is particularly powerful. For both girls and boys, behaviour is influenced not simply by knowledge or individual choice but by the need for acceptance within peer groups, families and wider society. 

They also showed that peers themselves can become part of the solution. Girls spoke positively about sisterhood and supporting one another. Boys demonstrated an ability to redefine strength and respect in healthier ways. Both groups identified family members, teachers, trusted adults, role models and community structures as potential sources of support. 

Van Selm said this is precisely why listening to lived experience matters.  “Children can tell us where the system is beginning to fail long before that failure becomes a crisis. Dialogue gives us an early-warning mechanism. Their experiences can show us where family relationships, peer culture, schools, digital environments and community support systems are either protecting children or placing them at greater risk.” 

Khulisa’s approach is to convert this lived experience into community intelligence that can guide prevention, programme design and investment.  

Rather than waiting until a young person presents with school failure, violence, substance abuse, mental-health difficulties or conflict with the law, the objective should be to understand the pressures surrounding that child much earlier. 

The full combined Dialogue Circle Report, capturing what the girls and boys told us and the implications emerging from their lived experiences, can be accessed here.